When nothing ever feels quite good enough

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Do you find yourself being much harder on yourself than you would ever be on someone else?

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Perhaps you replay conversations, worry that you've said something wrong or find yourself thinking about all the things you could have done differently.

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You might put a lot of pressure on yourself to get things right, struggle to recognise your achievements or feel that whatever you do, it's never quite good enough.

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And even when things go well, you might find yourself focusing on the one thing that didn't.

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Sometimes self-criticism is really obvious. Other times, it's become such a familiar part of how you think about yourself that you barely notice it's happening.

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Over time, this can be exhausting, and can really affect how you feel about yourself.

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Why am I so hard on myself?

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There are lots of reasons why we can become so hard on ourselves.

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Sometimes it comes from experiences of criticism, rejection, bullying or feeling that we need to get things right. Other times, it's less obvious, and we might not really understand where those feelings have come from.

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What's important to understand is that self-criticism often develops for understandable reasons.

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It might be trying to protect you from making mistakes, disappointing others or being judged. Perhaps being hard on yourself has become a way of trying to make sure you do well or avoid getting things wrong.

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The difficulty is that, even when self-criticism is trying to help in some way, it can leave us feeling anxious, ashamed or never quite good enough.

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How can therapy help?

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I don't think the answer is simply to tell yourself to think more positively or stop being so hard on yourself. If it were that easy, you'd probably have done it already.

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Instead, we can spend some time understanding how these patterns have developed, what might be keeping them going and how they're affecting you.

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I draw particularly on Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), alongside EMDR where appropriate.

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We might look at the beliefs you've developed about yourself, the expectations you feel you need to meet and what happens when things don't go quite as you'd hoped.

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Part of our work might also involve finding ways to respond to yourself with a little more understanding and compassion, rather than criticism.

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And if that feels difficult or uncomfortable, that's ok too. It's something we can work through together.

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Taking the next step

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I'm a BABCP Accredited Psychological Therapist offering therapy for adults and teenagers who struggle with self-criticism, low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism.

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I offer face-to-face appointments in Banstead, Surrey, and online therapy across the UK.

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If you've recognised some of your own experiences in what you've read, I'd be really happy to explore whether therapy might be helpful.

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You don't need to know exactly why you feel this way or have everything figured out before getting in touch. We can start by making sense of things together.

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