What Really Happens in Therapy: More Than "Just Talking"

Someone said to me recently, “People think therapists just listen, but I bet it’s much harder than that". It struck me because it captured something I hear often. From the outside, therapy can look like two people chatting in a quiet room. But inside that conversation, there is a lot more going on.

Therapy isn’t about giving advice or just being a good listener. It is an active process where we start to notice the patterns that shape how you think, feel and relate to others. Once we spot those patterns, we begin to test out new ways of being.

That might happen first in the safety of the therapy session, where we reflect or role play what could be done differently. Then, between sessions, you practise in real life and notice what happens.

These are called behavioural experiments, but really they are just gentle tests of your expectations. For example, if you often hold back from speaking up, you might try saying what you think once and see what actually happens rather than what you fear will happen. These experiments are planned carefully and always with kindness, because therapy is a small part of the process. Most of the change happens in between sessions as you start to live out what you have learned.

Therapy also involves a special kind of questioning. It is not interrogation. It is curiosity, a way of exploring your story to open up new perspectives.

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Understanding Core Beliefs

Underneath the surface patterns we often find deeper fears or core beliefs about ourselves, such as I’m not good enough or I’m stupid. These shape how we see the world.

I sometimes draw this out using an image I call “The Cruncher.” Inside a circle sits that core belief, and only certain shapes can pass through. If your belief is I’m stupid, anything that seems to prove that, like being corrected at work, slides straight through. But if someone praises you, that shape does not fit. It either bounces off or gets twisted into something like “They’re just being kind.”

Therapy helps you spot this mental filter. Once you can see it, you can begin to change it.

This takes both insight and compassion. It can be confronting to realise how long you have carried painful fears, often since childhood. The work is paced carefully so you can approach this without being overwhelmed. Therapy helps you hold that grief, the sadness of having lived so long with beliefs that were never true, in a way that feels safe.

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Making Sense of the Story

Together we start to map where these beliefs came from. Maybe they were shaped by the way you were parented, experiences of bullying, or moments where you felt unseen or unsafe. Understanding how the brain works helps here too. These beliefs once served a purpose. They were your brain’s way of protecting you, even if those strategies no longer help you now.

I often think of therapy as detective work. We gather all the pieces of evidence together, pin them on the board, and start connecting them with the red string. My job is to help you make sense of the story so you can see how the past connects with the present until it starts to make sense in a way that feels freeing.

Most people tell me they begin to notice small changes first. Moments where they respond differently or feel a little lighter. Over time those small shifts build into something that feels more stable and lasting.

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Evidence-Based Approaches that Support This Work

At Compassionate Therapy Practice, I use three main approaches to support this process.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps you understand how your thoughts, feelings and behaviours interact. It turns confusion into clarity and insight into action.

Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) teaches how to relate to yourself with more warmth and less self-criticism. It helps calm the body’s threat system and build the courage to face what is hard with care instead of shame.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) helps the brain process distressing or traumatic memories so they no longer feel “stuck.” It can bring a deep sense of relief and safety that words alone cannot always reach.

All three approaches share the same goal: helping you feel safer in your mind and body, more connected to yourself, and more aligned with what matters most to you.

Therapy may look like “just talking,” but it is really about the kind of talking that changes what happens inside. It is where understanding becomes growth, and where the pieces of your story start to fit together in a way that finally makes sense.

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Compassionate Therapy Practice offers CBT, CFT and EMDR therapy in Banstead, Caterham and online across the UK.

If you would like to understand yourself more deeply and find new ways of living with self-compassion, you can reach me through my Contact Page.