Is Therapy Just Talking? What Actually Happens in Therapy
Updated: Sep 25
When people think about therapy, they often imagine sitting in a room and talking about what's been happening in their lives. And talking is certainly part of it. Having space to share experiences, sometimes for the first time, can be incredibly important.
But therapy can also involve understanding patterns, exploring the ways we've learned to protect ourselves and gradually developing different ways of responding to difficult thoughts, feelings and experiences.
You don't need to arrive knowing exactly what you want to work on or how therapy is supposed to help. That's something we can begin to understand together.
Therapy is more than a conversation
One thing many therapy approaches have in common is that change rarely happens through insight alone.
Understanding yourself is important, but therapy also often involves gently experimenting with new experiences, responses, or ways of relating to yourself and the world around you.
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), this might involve gradually testing out fears, assumptions, or predictions in everyday life. For example, someone who fears judgement might experiment with speaking up more, expressing a need, or doing something imperfectly and noticing what actually happens.
In Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), someone might begin practising responding to themselves with more compassion instead of criticism, whilst noticing what fears or emotional reactions arise when they do. For many people, there can be understandable fears around self compassion, vulnerability, or letting go of harsh self-protection strategies.
In EMDR, we might work with distressing memories or experiences that continue to affect how someone feels in the present. This can include experiences that have contributed to anxiety, negative beliefs about themselves or a sense of being unsafe, even when the original experience is no longer happening.
That might mean revisiting a place connected to trauma, driving again after an accident, or eventually getting on a plane after working through a flying phobia.
These steps are approached carefully and collaboratively. The aim isn't to push someone into situations before they're ready, but to help them gradually develop different experiences and responses, rather than continuing to feel governed by old fears.
Understanding core beliefs
Therapy can also help uncover some of the deeper beliefs that sit underneath day to day patterns.
These might be beliefs such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m too much,” or “I’ll be rejected if people really know me.” Often these beliefs were shaped earlier in life, and although they may once have made sense as a way of surviving or protecting ourselves, they can become painful and limiting over time.
I sometimes explain this using an image I call “The Cruncher.” The core belief sits in the middle, almost like a filter. Anything that seems to confirm the belief can pass straight through, while anything that challenges it may bounce off or get twisted into something that still fits the old story.
For example, if the belief is “I’m stupid,” a mistake at work might feel like proof. But praise or success might be dismissed as “they were just being kind” or “I got lucky.”
Therapy helps you begin to notice this filter. Once you can see it, there is more room to question it, soften it, and build a more balanced and compassionate understanding of yourself.
Making sense of our experiences
Therapy can involve gently piecing together the story of how these beliefs and coping strategies developed.
We might explore experiences of criticism, bullying, loss, trauma, family patterns, school experiences, or moments when you felt unseen, unsafe, or unsupported. The aim is not to blame anyone or stay stuck in the past, but to understand why your mind and body learned to respond in the ways they did.
Often, there is a compassionate logic to the things we criticise ourselves for. Strategies that now feel frustrating may once have helped you cope, protect yourself, keep going, or stay connected to others.
I often think of therapy as a process of making sense of the bigger picture. Together, we gradually begin connecting patterns, experiences, emotions, beliefs, and coping strategies in a way that helps things feel more understandable and less confusing or overwhelming.
So, Is Therapy Just Talking?
Talking is an important part of therapy, but it isn't the whole picture.
Sometimes the work involves understanding why we respond in particular ways. Sometimes it means practising something different, working through a difficult experience or learning how to respond to ourselves with greater compassion.
And sometimes the most important thing is having space to make sense of something we've been carrying for a long time, without feeling that we need to rush towards a solution.
Therapy is a collaborative process, and what we focus on will depend on your experiences, what you're hoping for and what feels helpful as we work together.
If you're considering therapy but aren't quite sure what to expect, you're welcome to get in touch. I offer CBT, Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and EMDR for adults and young people in Banstead, Surrey and online across the UK.
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